A long lost daddy.

So today was long and emotional. The emotions are still not over. Tomorrow i think i might get to talk to my real father for the first time in over (at least) 10 years.

Now before everyone get panties in a twist hear me out. I know that he hasn't been in my life and i know he doesn't call or anything. But today i had a sudden urge to want to talk to him. I called my Nana and asked her for his number and if he even wanted to talk to me.. She said he does and when she talks to him about me, he cries.. Now that must be a good sign right..??   So I got up the nerve to call and i got the lady that he kinda lives with. As soon as i said my name was Victoria and i was looking for my dad she got all excited and happy. She kept laughing and saying how wonderful this was. How happy he would be.. We got to talking and she tells me that when he talks about me(or the other two people i am sadly blood related to called my mother and sister) that he cries and gets very sad. He cries that about his mom and dad. He is so sad that he has hurt his family. That he has gone into a deep depression state knowing what he has done to us. He is fighting a alcohol  problem because of the depression. 

Now i understand that he is bad or even as worse as Cindi because he wasn't there at all while i was growing up. He didn't help in any way. He left and never came back. He never called or what i can remember sent us anything.  Whats makes it all so hard is that i don't know why he left? What happened? What changed?  Was is us girls? Was it (Cindi, my real mother)? What was it?  I have been told so many stories and some many different reasons why he left.  But i don't know if all of them are true. I don't know what to believe. Do i believe him when he tells me his side of the story? Do i even wanna know the real reason?  I have so many thoughts running through my head right now i can barely see straight. I don't know what to do or say. I don't know how i am going to be tomorrow because i don't know what to say first. "Hi Dad" "Um how have you been?" ????????????   These questions have been going through my head for years. I always wondered if my babies will have a grandfather. I always wondered who would walk me down the aisle when i got married( or in this case redo do my wedding). It also hurt knowing i didn't have him there when i did get married. I haven't been able to talk to anyone about this because i am scared of what my family is gonna say. All the anger or hurt they have inside from him. I'm afraid they will get angry at me for some reason. Or lash out at me.. I know i shouldn't care what they think but really. I just got back in contact with most of my family and don't wanna lose them again. I cant talk to any of my friends because no one really knows what im going through. I know some people don't have their dads either but nothing like what i am going through.

I am just scared for tomorrow.. Is he gonna call me?? Is he gonna even wanna talk to me??  I'm scared.. My chest is hurting right now and i wanna cry..  So keep me in your thoughts and prayers(or what the fuck ever) that tomorrow goes well... Maybe this is what i need in life.. Maybe this is what he needs in life.. Maybe this isn't meant to be right now.. I just don't know right now and tomorrow will tell my future...

On a much much more positive note. It feels oh so wonderful to be starting this working out thing with Chad.. He pushes me and i push him.. He even stopped his video game to go for a walk.. It was kinda nice for once...lol  It also gives us time to talk to each other and contact again.. It feels great!   This month is gonna be different.. I'm gonna  go to the store and get some healthier foods for the house. An eliminating how much we go out to eat. It used to be that we knew there was a shit load of money in the account and we can spend it as we please, but not anymore.. (so he cant even cheat on duty days) LOL  So it hits two birds with one stone. Eating and being healthier and saving money..  

I just had this feeling that life is going in the right direction for me now. I'm excited and ready to make this much needed change.  I know there are gonna be bumps in the road and mountains to climb but with my very wonderful husband, great family, and such amazing good friends; I will get through this one way or another..

Fabulous weight news!!

So on a wonderfully fantastic note today. I am finally back in a size 16 jeans. Now for the people that dont know. I was about 120-130 pounds when i got married(3 years ago). After moving to Japan and some very bad health problems and going through a very bad state of depression i did gain a lot of weight. Then moving to IL where my life took another big turn and once again gained a lot of weight. So with said, I have been working so hard since moving back to CA to loss all the weight i had gained. So this size 16 jeans means I am back to what i wore when i got married.. I'M SO FREAKING EXCITED!!!  Oh goodness it feeks good. I feel alive and free. Why? I don't know but i do and I love it. I feel like me again. Like i can take on the world. It makes me have hope that i can do it..  Oh today is a beautiful day. 

On to funnies news. I was just messing around on the computer and saw this Shack Weight. Well when i saw it on TV i laughed just like everyone else did. Well i looked for videos on it and came up with this one. Now you just need to watch this video all the way through but you will not be sorry. I have not laughed so hard in a while. I think Ellen is my new favorite show...LOL So please just watch and enjoy a giggle moment by yourself. You will thank me:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6eHlDM9saxw

Now on to the shittest news of the day. The one person that i thought would be happy to hear my "fabulous weight news", wasn't. I'm not gonna lie.. It hurt.. I got a high five and that was about it. Ya i know i shouldn't let that get me down but its hard to have the one person that should be there for me give me a high five.   

So please understand that the things you do and say sometimes can hurt the people you love. So watch what you do and say. 

The new start

Alright then. A new blog. A new blog to tell you about the wonderful joys of my life. This is going swimmingly. lol 

So the reason i wanted to write this blog is because I want people to see me. The real me. with no edits about what i write or what i think.  Finally freedom. 

So about about my life(for anyone who doesn't know already). I am happily married to my best friend. To the sexiest Sailor i have ever meet, Chad. He is my rock and shoulder. He is my cigarette to my flapjack. My bong to his blintz. I love him with all my heart. I couldn't ask for anyone better in my life.  He is a United States Navy Sailor. We are station in San Diego, CA right now. I have been all the way over to Japan with him. Traveled and seen some wonderful things. I am glad we are back in CA (born and raised baby.. So~Cal for live!!!!!!!!!!!)  We have a little over 2 years late out here and then we have to chose where we go next. 

In  16 days will have been married for 3 years. I know that doesn't seem like long at all to you guys but to a Sailor and his Navy Wife it seems like forever.  I wont take back a minute of it though. I love growing with him and learning new things everyday. I love being able to kiss him and smell him and just touch him. Its something you don't realize you miss until its sitting in the middle of the ocean.  No kids(yet). I'm trying to get into college but the Navy is taking so freaking long to get the paperwork started its driving me bat shit crazy. I will get there one day.  I have really good friends in my life. Anna(best friend besides Chad). Love her to death. She gets me, she knows where im coming from even if no one else does, she understand that stupid shit i say and says loads herself. We get along great to put it easier. I care about her so much. I cant wait to meet her son Jack (jack jack). Then there is Rochelle. We meet in high school and even tho we lost touch for a few years we are still friends to this day. Love that girl.. She is a funny and slow (say that in a nice way) as i am. Love her..  That was just to name a few so now don't freak out.. I love all my friends.. just don't feel like breaking my hand naming you all.. so suck it..

Ok so i have come to realize that i was never fat, just thicker in some areas.. But now im just big. Like really big. Like i don't want to look in the mirror big. Yes i get it. "no Victoria your not fat" but really and truly people. I'm not skinny and im not huge so im just big ok. Yes i understand also that im the only one to blame and that can do anything about it. So guess what. I am.  I'm damned and determined to look good again.. If not "good" then better then what i am now. I want my husband to look at me and be like "damn". I want to be able to go shopping and not feel stupid every time i try on clothes.   I will be "skinny" again. I will do it all on my own. I will work hard and play even harder. I will not go cop out like everyone else and get plastic surgery to make myself look good.  Now don't get me wrong, i don't care if you have had plastic surgery im just saying if you wanna claim you being that skinny is by hard work... Fuck you. Don't go get tummy tucks and lipo and then say you "worked hard" Fuck you.  As i was saying. I'm gonna work hard and its gonna happen soon.  Just wish i had more support. Meaning as in getting up and going to the gym. I hate doing it at first and wont be the first to step up and say hey lets do this but once im there, im all for it. Just wanna kick chads ass in to gear to make him realize i need his support and he needs me too.. The boy needs to lose some pounds by June..  Just ready to have a work out buddy and a trainer is way to damn expensive these days.. 

Now please do go and chew my ass because i say that im big. First step to anything is admitting you have the problem. So first step complete. Next step, hard fucking work.