So today was long and emotional. The emotions are still not over. Tomorrow i think i might get to talk to my real father for the first time in over (at least) 10 years.
Now before everyone get panties in a twist hear me out. I know that he hasn't been in my life and i know he doesn't call or anything. But today i had a sudden urge to want to talk to him. I called my Nana and asked her for his number and if he even wanted to talk to me.. She said he does and when she talks to him about me, he cries.. Now that must be a good sign right..?? So I got up the nerve to call and i got the lady that he kinda lives with. As soon as i said my name was Victoria and i was looking for my dad she got all excited and happy. She kept laughing and saying how wonderful this was. How happy he would be.. We got to talking and she tells me that when he talks about me(or the other two people i am sadly blood related to called my mother and sister) that he cries and gets very sad. He cries that about his mom and dad. He is so sad that he has hurt his family. That he has gone into a deep depression state knowing what he has done to us. He is fighting a alcohol problem because of the depression.
Now i understand that he is bad or even as worse as Cindi because he wasn't there at all while i was growing up. He didn't help in any way. He left and never came back. He never called or what i can remember sent us anything. Whats makes it all so hard is that i don't know why he left? What happened? What changed? Was is us girls? Was it (Cindi, my real mother)? What was it? I have been told so many stories and some many different reasons why he left. But i don't know if all of them are true. I don't know what to believe. Do i believe him when he tells me his side of the story? Do i even wanna know the real reason? I have so many thoughts running through my head right now i can barely see straight. I don't know what to do or say. I don't know how i am going to be tomorrow because i don't know what to say first. "Hi Dad" "Um how have you been?" ???????????? These questions have been going through my head for years. I always wondered if my babies will have a grandfather. I always wondered who would walk me down the aisle when i got married( or in this case redo do my wedding). It also hurt knowing i didn't have him there when i did get married. I haven't been able to talk to anyone about this because i am scared of what my family is gonna say. All the anger or hurt they have inside from him. I'm afraid they will get angry at me for some reason. Or lash out at me.. I know i shouldn't care what they think but really. I just got back in contact with most of my family and don't wanna lose them again. I cant talk to any of my friends because no one really knows what im going through. I know some people don't have their dads either but nothing like what i am going through.
I am just scared for tomorrow.. Is he gonna call me?? Is he gonna even wanna talk to me?? I'm scared.. My chest is hurting right now and i wanna cry.. So keep me in your thoughts and prayers(or what the fuck ever) that tomorrow goes well... Maybe this is what i need in life.. Maybe this is what he needs in life.. Maybe this isn't meant to be right now.. I just don't know right now and tomorrow will tell my future...
On a much much more positive note. It feels oh so wonderful to be starting this working out thing with Chad.. He pushes me and i push him.. He even stopped his video game to go for a walk.. It was kinda nice for once...lol It also gives us time to talk to each other and contact again.. It feels great! This month is gonna be different.. I'm gonna go to the store and get some healthier foods for the house. An eliminating how much we go out to eat. It used to be that we knew there was a shit load of money in the account and we can spend it as we please, but not anymore.. (so he cant even cheat on duty days) LOL So it hits two birds with one stone. Eating and being healthier and saving money..
