clueless wonder

When is enough enough. When do you give in or give up. Some many people come to this point in their life where they dont know which was up or not. i wish no one ever hadto come to this point. you give your all and its still not good enough. You push your self to that point where you become "that" person.. i wish it wasnt so.
Now the question is, where to go from here. What path do you take to get you where your going. i reallywish i knew that answer. Anyone have it?  Is it walk away and take space. Is it stay and hope for thebest? What if that hope is gone? What if the changes only last ao long? What if they are not the changes you need? Whats next?
I gave myself a promise that i would never be my mother. I would never become the person like her. Im trying my damnest to not right now but my heart hurts. I am tryig to stay strong and make it work but what happens when that work is one sided? What do i do when i know its never going to change? When my hopes have been taken and chattered to little pieces? I wish it wasnt so.
Ive always been a strong person but my strong has become very limp. I want my strong back. I know the easy way to get it back but i dont like that easy way.. I know it seems like the easy way out but my heart would totally not agree. My heart hurts in ways i never thought it could. I wish it wasnt so.
Im not perfect in all of this and i willingly admit that but i also know that my effort was not matched. Is more effort to much to ask for? Is it to much to ask for to not be treated like im invisable? Is it to much to ask to be shown respect? Apperacted? Loved? Cared about? My feelings considered?  when is that to much to ask for?
I heard today that when we spend to much time in the deapperatcion box that we can sometimes be called "Clueless wonders". I know for a fact im not. Im far from it. I may have my issues and i may have my problems but im not a clueless wonder.
I have never been that women to give up and Im not saying  i am. a break is whats needed. To give up is to fail. I don't fail very well. I have put to much into this to fail now. But some times people need to step back and see what the they really have before taking it for grantie. I wish it wasnt so
The fear of whats gonna happen next is there. I hate the fear of the unknown but i cant think like that. I need to do whats right right now. Right now i need to space. I can only hope or dream, wish, pray that when and if i return that it can be better. It can be everything every little girl dreams about all her life. I can only dream, wish, pray that it never gets to this point again. To the point of so much hurt.
You cant make anyone say, want, do, love, hate a single thing in this world. But you can only dream, wish, pray that they do say the right things. Want you. Do for you and only you. Love you the way you deserve. Hate this hurt as much as you do. I can only hope dream wish and pray.
Now with my heart on my sleeve im going to do what i think is right right now. Im going to hurt myself to hopefully make things better. Hurt by walking out that door and prayong youll let me back in one day. Again i wish it wasnt so.

Doing big things.♥

I knew this year was gonna start off bad when sitting there watching everyone around me dieing..

I have once again lost someone so dear to me.. Someone that could light up the world with her smile.. A girl I admired for her strength and her willing to push even harder when times got tough..  She said i was the funny one... Well i thought she was.. She could always make me smile and laugh.. bring lite into anything that was going on.. Always was joking around.. Always having the time of her life... She was so young to be taken from us but yet she was...

Dont call me crazy i WILL. SLAP. YOU!!!!
Yesterday after i found out i got into my car. I was just pulling out of my driveway i rolled down my windows and backed slowly like i always do. The song "If i die young" - The band perry came on the radio. As it starts a HUGE gust of wind came and took the breath out of me.. I had the feeling of heather there with me.. I felt calm.. I felt ok.. I felt like she was telling me that she was so sorry for leaving.. So sorry for making us all sad and hurt inside.. But i felt her tell me she was ok as well.. I felt her let me know that she was there and always will be there.. It made me feel like i could be ok with her being gone because i knew she was always here with me no matter what.. I had to pull over and take all what i was feeling in and catch my breath....
I know she is here. I know she doesnt want us to hurt and cry.. But to smile as bright as she did.. Smile because she is happy and in a better place. Smile because life is to short..

Yesterday i lost a amazing friend and sister.. But i gained a beautiful angel that now watches over me..

So to Heather Urianza. I love you like a sister and a friend and a fun drinking buddy that made fun of Sabs with me..  May you now rest in peace  and no more pain.. No more heart ache.. And may those fields of pot and pretty colors have enough room for me when i get there.. Promise to save me a seat..

Keep doing the dew.. MOUNTAIN DEW!!!!!!

Smile on my sister because we are gonna do big things!!!!!!!!

My Lola is running wild and free with Remy and Grandpa.. She isnt in pain anymore and she can finally be the puppy and have the puppy life she should have had...

I miss her smell, her bark, her tail that seem to never stop.. I miss everything about her.. I want her home. want to see her cute face again..  I miss her so damn much it hurts to think about her. Hurts to know i wont get another Lola kiss.. Another cute head tilt. I wont get to see that goofy face every morning... I just wanna crawl into bed and not wake up for the next 3 months..

I lost a daughter. She was so good. So kind.. She was the best dog anyone could ask for.. She melted your heart by just looking at her.. She could make you laugh and then smile.. She alwasy knew when something was wrong.. All she wanted to do was make you feel better..

I know she isnt hurting anymore. i know she is happy and not sick anymore. I know her and Wayne and grandma, grandpa and remy are having the best time ever.. They  are happy.. smiling..

Captain is having a really hard time with it too.. Even Daniel is walking around crying... i don't want to be in ths house.. I want to run away from it all.. evey time i turn around i smell her. See her.. think she is walking up the stairs... eating..  

God i miss my fucking dog..  Why me.. why now..

i couldn't even smoke enough to dull the pain even boozes didn't help.. I want to cry so much and not feel right now..  I want to be numb to it all..  or at least numb until it dulls long enough to not cry..

And i could ramble on for days of how i feel and how much i miss her but its not going to bring her back,, Its not going to fix anything..  And its not going to dull the pain..  But with no one to be here for me right now.. Everyone swearing their life is so oh so hard right now.. and the one person i want here right now cant be here.. 

So enough with my pity party.. Im done..