My Lola is running wild and free with Remy and Grandpa.. She isnt in pain anymore and she can finally be the puppy and have the puppy life she should have had...

I miss her smell, her bark, her tail that seem to never stop.. I miss everything about her.. I want her home. want to see her cute face again..  I miss her so damn much it hurts to think about her. Hurts to know i wont get another Lola kiss.. Another cute head tilt. I wont get to see that goofy face every morning... I just wanna crawl into bed and not wake up for the next 3 months..

I lost a daughter. She was so good. So kind.. She was the best dog anyone could ask for.. She melted your heart by just looking at her.. She could make you laugh and then smile.. She alwasy knew when something was wrong.. All she wanted to do was make you feel better..

I know she isnt hurting anymore. i know she is happy and not sick anymore. I know her and Wayne and grandma, grandpa and remy are having the best time ever.. They  are happy.. smiling..

Captain is having a really hard time with it too.. Even Daniel is walking around crying... i don't want to be in ths house.. I want to run away from it all.. evey time i turn around i smell her. See her.. think she is walking up the stairs... eating..  

God i miss my fucking dog..  Why me.. why now..

i couldn't even smoke enough to dull the pain even boozes didn't help.. I want to cry so much and not feel right now..  I want to be numb to it all..  or at least numb until it dulls long enough to not cry..

And i could ramble on for days of how i feel and how much i miss her but its not going to bring her back,, Its not going to fix anything..  And its not going to dull the pain..  But with no one to be here for me right now.. Everyone swearing their life is so oh so hard right now.. and the one person i want here right now cant be here.. 

So enough with my pity party.. Im done..

LIfe and its kicks in the ass...

Well life has caught up to me again.. Its taking over and i cant stop it..

So over the last few months since this new year started, life has sucked.. But had its good days...
My idol. The women i looked up to. Admired. Passed away. She was strong. amazing. loving to anyone she met. She would tell you straight and didn't know any other way.  She taught me to never give up and to never forget that the shitty things that happen make us who we are.  I cant wait to show her all that ive come through.. I know she'll be so damn proud of me.
I love you Tazma... I will always love you...

At her happiest..LOL in ropes...

You will always be remember for that beauty inside you. I love you..


 After a serve battle with a horrible cancer, i lost my grandpa (non blood).  He was the hard core marine. Loving. Caring. Stoned. :-) Grandpa.. Yes he throw rocks. Yes he yelled. But he loved like no one i have ever seen before.. He was a wonderful Father to his three girls and his son that he lost to soon.  He was a great grandfather to his grandkids.. And a great husband to his wife.    He will be so truely missed.

                          OORAH!!!

 Rest in peace now.. Love you


  Im so glad March is over and i haven't lost anyone this month.  I thought i was gonna lose my Lola bug, but she pulled through. She is a strong fighter. She has kept making good prograse. She still isn't 100% but she is for sure a lot better then what she was..  She is my lola girl..
But i cant kept my mind from what could happen.  I just have to wait and see.  Time will tell where we go with her. I hate to say it but it might just end up with putting her down. I dont find it fair to keep her alive when this isn't the life i wanted for her. She is only 7 months old and this is not what she should have to go through.. I hurts me yes. But it is for her..

Most of you all know that this coming summer Chad will not be here. Yes i know its coming up faster then i thought it would. But its right around the corner..  I think im ready for it.. As for my mind being ready. HELL NO...  I just have so much going on i cant even think to go through all of it alone..  What if i have to put down lola all alone.. Even the thought of it makes me sick..  I cant do it..
I know im strong and i know i can make it through more then most but i  have feeling this year is gonna be my hardest.  Im gonna need my friends and family this year for sure.


Well Most of you all know that i have a lot of health problems.  Well they get worse.  They did a ultra sound on my chest. They found cysts (at least 30 in each breast) that could be cancerist.  Soooooo  I talked to a plastic surgeon today. Im hoping the military sees that i need this. I need to get this shit off my chest and move on with my life..  Also my doctor suggest i go up for the lapband.. Im thinking of doing it.. I know i can lose weight but i will always have weight issues in the future that i would like to get under control right now...  I want to run around with my kids...
Ill let you know more when i know if the military approves me for it or not... But as of right now im trying for it....


Well i bit of good news.  Captain Pine Cone is our newest member to the family... He is toy fox terrier... He is so uber cute... He is snuggling on my lap right now while im writing this... Soooo cute.. I love him...  He is  7 months old as well. He is so full of energy. I got him so lola could have a play mate.  So fatty Dannel could lose weight...LOL (still not happening..)  He fits prefect into our little family...  AND NO he is not a stupid Mexican rat dog... LOL

And i end with pictures of my new love...

I LOVE MY MINI FAMILY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Snowballin'

Well well well... Its been a while... Where to start...

Miss Lola.  Oh how much she has grown... She is a little shit for sure. She plays a lot better with the cats now. Dude still hasnt gotten the full understanding of she just wants to play... LOL  She has gotten potty training down to a pat.. (score). She walks into her crate with out fighting.. (another score).. She has stopped peeing in her crate.. (epic win there) and she has learned simple normal commands.. (yes i rock)..

As chad calls them now, The Double D's.. (Daniel and dude).. LOL   Daniel has became very clingy since the hubs is gone.. He always does.. it sucks.. he gets mad when i kick him out of the bedroom at  night.. haha  Dude, well is still dude.. stupid and smelly... I swear this cat's breath smells like something died in there... Can you brush cat's teeth.??

The Hubs.. well he is at sea right now... Ya, whats new.. lol For some reason  this underway is so much harder then i ever thought.   I wish he would just get home already.. few more weeks.. Lame yes but ill deal..


Now for the things i need to vent about.. 
Ok first off.. Lola is not the most common name for a dog.. In fact its not that common for people either... But who goes and names her dog Lola, (3 weeks after i do).. Brittany Yager.. Seriously!!!!  Just because i dont want you back in my life you have to make my life yours...  You cant even take care of your fucking kid let alone take care of a fucking dog... Its irrating.. Like you say you cant get a job.. You live in a fucking room in the back of the dance studio with your babys daddy.. THAT DOESNT EVEN LOVE YOU ANYMORE!!! Its funny how 3 weeks after i get my dog you get yours. You name it the same. You talk about her the same way i did on my facebook... But yet i deleted your ass..  So now i have to go delete everyone your friends with because they are passing my info along.. great!

Second, Friends.. Really if you say you are my friend then be there.. When i call to talk about something that is bothering me.. STOP talking about your fucking boy problems.. boy problems that can be easily fixed if you would pull your head out of your ass...  I love her to death.. i really do!! BUT after listening to the same bitching weeks in a row and you still dont take the advice.. Then just stop.. I called you to talk to you about something that was really under my skin and you turned the whole FUCKING convo to you and the boy... Like what happened to a friend just listening..  Have you asked me whats wrong with me lately.. Why i have been having a hard time while my husband is gone... Did you ever think to stop and ask me how my day is... No you dont..  I hate it.. I understand this will pass but i can only take this shit for so long..
I need a friend to talk to ... I hate always being the one everyone else turnes to and no one is there for me... I have problems too.. I have feelings too.. I need to vent too...  But 99.9% of the "friends" i have wont listen to me when i need it...
Example: A friend told me i could call her if i need to talk.. well i called her and she was so stoned she didnt even realize it was me...  Ok i have no problem smoking a bowl every blue moon but wtf... You could have just not answered and texted me and told me "hey im stoned and i dont want to not listen to you.. Call me tomorrow"... Simple.. easy and i would understand...  
Just kinda over begin everyone's fucking rug..  Im human too ya know..

Third....  I'm totally over feeling like shit... I want to feel pretty again.. I want to feel happy again.. I want to feel like me again... And i hate to say it but i think i might need meds to do that... Next week when i go in for my knee im going to talk to my doctor about some antidepressant meds..  I dont want to get addicted to them tho.. That's all im scared about... Wish there was another way but i know there isnt.. I'm gonna try counseling yes but i know that's not always gonna work...

And fourth.. I'm soooooOOOOO sick of the drama from my past keeps coming back... Ok i understand at one point i was best friends with this girl Country.. BUT things went south and now we hate each other..   She found me on facebook.. I dont know if she made it because of me but by what ive heard.. She wanted to fuck with me.. "cant wait to hear from you bitch"..  Now that doesn't sound like it was meant for me at all.. nope..  Whatever... I'm so irritated that she is back around but once again im not surprised... That is also why i had to shut everything down.. My facebook, twitter, and this... So she cant find it and read it... sucks i have to hide my life because of people like that.. But they just dont ever grow up..  Maybe one day.. but right now.. at 26 she still cant understand, Ive moved on and so should she...



My rant is over for now.. LOL Now i gotta get to bed before i fall asleep..