Doing big things.♥

I knew this year was gonna start off bad when sitting there watching everyone around me dieing..

I have once again lost someone so dear to me.. Someone that could light up the world with her smile.. A girl I admired for her strength and her willing to push even harder when times got tough..  She said i was the funny one... Well i thought she was.. She could always make me smile and laugh.. bring lite into anything that was going on.. Always was joking around.. Always having the time of her life... She was so young to be taken from us but yet she was...

Dont call me crazy i WILL. SLAP. YOU!!!!
Yesterday after i found out i got into my car. I was just pulling out of my driveway i rolled down my windows and backed slowly like i always do. The song "If i die young" - The band perry came on the radio. As it starts a HUGE gust of wind came and took the breath out of me.. I had the feeling of heather there with me.. I felt calm.. I felt ok.. I felt like she was telling me that she was so sorry for leaving.. So sorry for making us all sad and hurt inside.. But i felt her tell me she was ok as well.. I felt her let me know that she was there and always will be there.. It made me feel like i could be ok with her being gone because i knew she was always here with me no matter what.. I had to pull over and take all what i was feeling in and catch my breath....
I know she is here. I know she doesnt want us to hurt and cry.. But to smile as bright as she did.. Smile because she is happy and in a better place. Smile because life is to short..

Yesterday i lost a amazing friend and sister.. But i gained a beautiful angel that now watches over me..

So to Heather Urianza. I love you like a sister and a friend and a fun drinking buddy that made fun of Sabs with me..  May you now rest in peace  and no more pain.. No more heart ache.. And may those fields of pot and pretty colors have enough room for me when i get there.. Promise to save me a seat..

Keep doing the dew.. MOUNTAIN DEW!!!!!!

Smile on my sister because we are gonna do big things!!!!!!!!

My Lola is running wild and free with Remy and Grandpa.. She isnt in pain anymore and she can finally be the puppy and have the puppy life she should have had...

I miss her smell, her bark, her tail that seem to never stop.. I miss everything about her.. I want her home. want to see her cute face again..  I miss her so damn much it hurts to think about her. Hurts to know i wont get another Lola kiss.. Another cute head tilt. I wont get to see that goofy face every morning... I just wanna crawl into bed and not wake up for the next 3 months..

I lost a daughter. She was so good. So kind.. She was the best dog anyone could ask for.. She melted your heart by just looking at her.. She could make you laugh and then smile.. She alwasy knew when something was wrong.. All she wanted to do was make you feel better..

I know she isnt hurting anymore. i know she is happy and not sick anymore. I know her and Wayne and grandma, grandpa and remy are having the best time ever.. They  are happy.. smiling..

Captain is having a really hard time with it too.. Even Daniel is walking around crying... i don't want to be in ths house.. I want to run away from it all.. evey time i turn around i smell her. See her.. think she is walking up the stairs... eating..  

God i miss my fucking dog..  Why me.. why now..

i couldn't even smoke enough to dull the pain even boozes didn't help.. I want to cry so much and not feel right now..  I want to be numb to it all..  or at least numb until it dulls long enough to not cry..

And i could ramble on for days of how i feel and how much i miss her but its not going to bring her back,, Its not going to fix anything..  And its not going to dull the pain..  But with no one to be here for me right now.. Everyone swearing their life is so oh so hard right now.. and the one person i want here right now cant be here.. 

So enough with my pity party.. Im done..

LIfe and its kicks in the ass...

Well life has caught up to me again.. Its taking over and i cant stop it..

So over the last few months since this new year started, life has sucked.. But had its good days...
My idol. The women i looked up to. Admired. Passed away. She was strong. amazing. loving to anyone she met. She would tell you straight and didn't know any other way.  She taught me to never give up and to never forget that the shitty things that happen make us who we are.  I cant wait to show her all that ive come through.. I know she'll be so damn proud of me.
I love you Tazma... I will always love you...

At her happiest..LOL in ropes...

You will always be remember for that beauty inside you. I love you..


 After a serve battle with a horrible cancer, i lost my grandpa (non blood).  He was the hard core marine. Loving. Caring. Stoned. :-) Grandpa.. Yes he throw rocks. Yes he yelled. But he loved like no one i have ever seen before.. He was a wonderful Father to his three girls and his son that he lost to soon.  He was a great grandfather to his grandkids.. And a great husband to his wife.    He will be so truely missed.

                          OORAH!!!

 Rest in peace now.. Love you


  Im so glad March is over and i haven't lost anyone this month.  I thought i was gonna lose my Lola bug, but she pulled through. She is a strong fighter. She has kept making good prograse. She still isn't 100% but she is for sure a lot better then what she was..  She is my lola girl..
But i cant kept my mind from what could happen.  I just have to wait and see.  Time will tell where we go with her. I hate to say it but it might just end up with putting her down. I dont find it fair to keep her alive when this isn't the life i wanted for her. She is only 7 months old and this is not what she should have to go through.. I hurts me yes. But it is for her..

Most of you all know that this coming summer Chad will not be here. Yes i know its coming up faster then i thought it would. But its right around the corner..  I think im ready for it.. As for my mind being ready. HELL NO...  I just have so much going on i cant even think to go through all of it alone..  What if i have to put down lola all alone.. Even the thought of it makes me sick..  I cant do it..
I know im strong and i know i can make it through more then most but i  have feeling this year is gonna be my hardest.  Im gonna need my friends and family this year for sure.


Well Most of you all know that i have a lot of health problems.  Well they get worse.  They did a ultra sound on my chest. They found cysts (at least 30 in each breast) that could be cancerist.  Soooooo  I talked to a plastic surgeon today. Im hoping the military sees that i need this. I need to get this shit off my chest and move on with my life..  Also my doctor suggest i go up for the lapband.. Im thinking of doing it.. I know i can lose weight but i will always have weight issues in the future that i would like to get under control right now...  I want to run around with my kids...
Ill let you know more when i know if the military approves me for it or not... But as of right now im trying for it....


Well i bit of good news.  Captain Pine Cone is our newest member to the family... He is toy fox terrier... He is so uber cute... He is snuggling on my lap right now while im writing this... Soooo cute.. I love him...  He is  7 months old as well. He is so full of energy. I got him so lola could have a play mate.  So fatty Dannel could lose weight...LOL (still not happening..)  He fits prefect into our little family...  AND NO he is not a stupid Mexican rat dog... LOL

And i end with pictures of my new love...

I LOVE MY MINI FAMILY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!