My Lola is running wild and free with Remy and Grandpa.. She isnt in pain anymore and she can finally be the puppy and have the puppy life she should have had...

I miss her smell, her bark, her tail that seem to never stop.. I miss everything about her.. I want her home. want to see her cute face again..  I miss her so damn much it hurts to think about her. Hurts to know i wont get another Lola kiss.. Another cute head tilt. I wont get to see that goofy face every morning... I just wanna crawl into bed and not wake up for the next 3 months..

I lost a daughter. She was so good. So kind.. She was the best dog anyone could ask for.. She melted your heart by just looking at her.. She could make you laugh and then smile.. She alwasy knew when something was wrong.. All she wanted to do was make you feel better..

I know she isnt hurting anymore. i know she is happy and not sick anymore. I know her and Wayne and grandma, grandpa and remy are having the best time ever.. They  are happy.. smiling..

Captain is having a really hard time with it too.. Even Daniel is walking around crying... i don't want to be in ths house.. I want to run away from it all.. evey time i turn around i smell her. See her.. think she is walking up the stairs... eating..  

God i miss my fucking dog..  Why me.. why now..

i couldn't even smoke enough to dull the pain even boozes didn't help.. I want to cry so much and not feel right now..  I want to be numb to it all..  or at least numb until it dulls long enough to not cry..

And i could ramble on for days of how i feel and how much i miss her but its not going to bring her back,, Its not going to fix anything..  And its not going to dull the pain..  But with no one to be here for me right now.. Everyone swearing their life is so oh so hard right now.. and the one person i want here right now cant be here.. 

So enough with my pity party.. Im done..