Duder!!!!!!!!!

Bloggie bloggie Blog. Oh how i have missed you.  Life has just been so crazy.
This last weekend was our house warming party. Now dont get me wrong. I didnt get my hopes up but my god, you didnt have to lie to me... It was not a good day to say the least... But a good note. I cleaned my house like crazy...LOL
Weekend before that was Vegas.. Now i dont have to explain this. Everyone knows. Vegas is Vegas... HAHAHA

Now were to start. You know when you have a part in your life were it was good, bad, and otherwise. Then something comes along and changes that for ever and you don't see that part in life and think it will not ever come back. Ya, well i thought the same thing.    The last few weeks or so people from my past have been coming out of the wood works. No, not old boyfriends. Friends. Friends that i thought i would never really see again. I'm not saying its a bad thing but what bugs me the most is all the memories they bring back when i talk to them. Like i cant help but to talk to the person and flash back to when they were talking shit in my face.. and then a week later saying sorry...  I don't like reliving what happened during a bad time in my life but i don't mind them coming back into my life.. I just wish i could stop thinking of the past...


Well enough about bad. Good news time!!!  Guess what?!?!?!?! I'm finally getting a dog..  Its a boxer/lab mix.. Im so excited. I cant wait.. I know i know.. puppies are a lot of work but im ok with that.. I'm alright with having to wake up at 5am to take them for a walk.. or all the chewing and crying.(im crate training.. Oh joy)...  Its the active that i need to get moving.. to get my ass in gear.. Yes sir i am sooo ready for this dog its not even funny....Only problem is.. I don't think Chad is yet....   He doesn't really get what crate training is. I think he is worried about the chewing and peeing and barking and all that stuff a puppy(that isn't trained right) does. I don't think he wants the responsibility of the dog.. and what even worse is he will only be home with the dog for a month or maybe two and then he is gone. So really i have to do the training so she knows im the main bitch in this house....  lol

I do think the cats are ready though. i think Daniel will be pissed at first. Dude, well he will be Dude. I just hope they can all get along... Lets pray right...lol

Catch up!!!

So to play catch up for the weeks ive been away.

-I havent spoken to my dad since that 4 hour long convo
-Chad and I got the house
-We got a new kitty!!!


So first things first. I guess you could say im OK with not talking to him.. I guess we didnt talk so long that this month or so seem like days.  Im sure ill call him in another month or so. Just to see how he is and tell him about the house.



Speaking of house. YES we got it!!!! We got it May 27th. We moved in Memorial Day weekend and i have been in heaven ever since. You know when you wake up in a place that is yours but not truely yours??  Renting a apartment will never be the same again. I have never had so much pride in anything in my whole life.  My first car, well i knew it was Jeff and Tracys so it was going back to them. The place in Japan. Again it was renting so i didnt really care much about it.  My angel(my new car) is another story. I knew it was mine as soon as i stepped in it.  I loved it. Take care of it like no other car ive had. Its my angel. lol
But this house is a feeling i cant describe. I love waking up early and doing things around the house..(and if you know me, im NOT a morning person) I love cleaning it.. I love looking at stuff i can buy for the house and stuff i can do to it. Chad and I got $100 gift card to Home Depot today and we argued about what to buy for the house... There was so many things i wanted but knew had to wait. I hate that...lol

I love knowing that when i walk out that front door that people are looking at us knowing we bought this and that feel GREAT!!!  I love parking the car in the garage. I love walking out to the garage to go do laundry..(another if you know me. I HATE laundry). And laundry. OMG i love our new washer and dryer. Its is something i love to do now. Folding is still not kool but doing the laundry is. hahaha And it plays me a song when the load is done.  So freaking kool.  I also love out new reefer. Its so big i cant believe it sometimes.
The best part about the house is i get to spend time with my hubby.. I love knowing he is here to enjoy this all with me. I love him so much... I couldnt ask for anyone better in life.  Thank you Chad.

Now to the other men in my life. My kittys. Oh Daniel is in LOVE with the house too. He has learned that when he is sleeping in bed and hears someone downstairs, that he just has to look over the railing to see. He is so lazy he wont come down stairs.. LOL  I noticed tho that he would walk around crying. Chad and I thought it was because he was lonely. So we got him a friend.   Dude!   Yes ok so he is a little cock-eyed but he is still cute as a button... HAHA. Most of all Daniel loves him and thats all that matters. No hissing. No fighting at first sight. They play fight now but thats ok with me.  He is keeping us on our toes thats for sure. He is a very quick learned too. Sometimes dumb as a stick but everyone has their days. lol

So all in all everything is good.  Ready to get paid so i can get signed up in the gym to get this body ready for HONG KONG next year... yes that is right.. I'm going to Hong Kong.. Well hopefully anyways..

  The Duder has spoken.  HAHA

Until next time.

A long lost daddy.

So today was long and emotional. The emotions are still not over. Tomorrow i think i might get to talk to my real father for the first time in over (at least) 10 years.

Now before everyone get panties in a twist hear me out. I know that he hasn't been in my life and i know he doesn't call or anything. But today i had a sudden urge to want to talk to him. I called my Nana and asked her for his number and if he even wanted to talk to me.. She said he does and when she talks to him about me, he cries.. Now that must be a good sign right..??   So I got up the nerve to call and i got the lady that he kinda lives with. As soon as i said my name was Victoria and i was looking for my dad she got all excited and happy. She kept laughing and saying how wonderful this was. How happy he would be.. We got to talking and she tells me that when he talks about me(or the other two people i am sadly blood related to called my mother and sister) that he cries and gets very sad. He cries that about his mom and dad. He is so sad that he has hurt his family. That he has gone into a deep depression state knowing what he has done to us. He is fighting a alcohol  problem because of the depression. 

Now i understand that he is bad or even as worse as Cindi because he wasn't there at all while i was growing up. He didn't help in any way. He left and never came back. He never called or what i can remember sent us anything.  Whats makes it all so hard is that i don't know why he left? What happened? What changed?  Was is us girls? Was it (Cindi, my real mother)? What was it?  I have been told so many stories and some many different reasons why he left.  But i don't know if all of them are true. I don't know what to believe. Do i believe him when he tells me his side of the story? Do i even wanna know the real reason?  I have so many thoughts running through my head right now i can barely see straight. I don't know what to do or say. I don't know how i am going to be tomorrow because i don't know what to say first. "Hi Dad" "Um how have you been?" ????????????   These questions have been going through my head for years. I always wondered if my babies will have a grandfather. I always wondered who would walk me down the aisle when i got married( or in this case redo do my wedding). It also hurt knowing i didn't have him there when i did get married. I haven't been able to talk to anyone about this because i am scared of what my family is gonna say. All the anger or hurt they have inside from him. I'm afraid they will get angry at me for some reason. Or lash out at me.. I know i shouldn't care what they think but really. I just got back in contact with most of my family and don't wanna lose them again. I cant talk to any of my friends because no one really knows what im going through. I know some people don't have their dads either but nothing like what i am going through.

I am just scared for tomorrow.. Is he gonna call me?? Is he gonna even wanna talk to me??  I'm scared.. My chest is hurting right now and i wanna cry..  So keep me in your thoughts and prayers(or what the fuck ever) that tomorrow goes well... Maybe this is what i need in life.. Maybe this is what he needs in life.. Maybe this isn't meant to be right now.. I just don't know right now and tomorrow will tell my future...

On a much much more positive note. It feels oh so wonderful to be starting this working out thing with Chad.. He pushes me and i push him.. He even stopped his video game to go for a walk.. It was kinda nice for once...lol  It also gives us time to talk to each other and contact again.. It feels great!   This month is gonna be different.. I'm gonna  go to the store and get some healthier foods for the house. An eliminating how much we go out to eat. It used to be that we knew there was a shit load of money in the account and we can spend it as we please, but not anymore.. (so he cant even cheat on duty days) LOL  So it hits two birds with one stone. Eating and being healthier and saving money..  

I just had this feeling that life is going in the right direction for me now. I'm excited and ready to make this much needed change.  I know there are gonna be bumps in the road and mountains to climb but with my very wonderful husband, great family, and such amazing good friends; I will get through this one way or another..